How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
