where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
why is half of my head shaved?
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