It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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