Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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