my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
