dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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