Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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