Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
