if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
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you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
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Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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