that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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