I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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