Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
