I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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