New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
