I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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