you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
