I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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