I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
