her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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