Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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