The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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