i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
