I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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