My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
