If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
