wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
