Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Drake has all the answers
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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