okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
