Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
