If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
