Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
