I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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