omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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