Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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