The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
