Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
