last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
