dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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