I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
