I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
