what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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