meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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