When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
