you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
