I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
