I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The power of my boobs compel you
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
