My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
