Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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