Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
