highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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