I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Randomize
