Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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