Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
