Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.