connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage