I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
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Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
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We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.