Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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