Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
