shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
