highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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