Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
