Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
