I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
